Triggers

It wasn’t only lately that I would easily fall into bouts of depression and high levels of stress about details, events, people, even random moments when I suddenly drop into a sullen state for no apparent reason. It’s been like this for a long time, but it was only after college when it has become more manifest to me, when it has begun to hamper my work and my life in general.

Mostly, it comes from small things: photos I see, snippets I read, music I hear, people I meet, moments I remember, sometimes even the time of day. It’s sporadic with no easily discernible pattern. It just comes. And I just stop what I do and I feel it. Sometimes it lasts for a few hours, sometimes days. Last year it was six months.

I feel it completely though, sometimes exacerbating it with cinematic music. Depression is not something I avoid nor feel ashamed of, because it’s nothing more than health. It’s like people talking about their scars or their gash or their regular dental checkup. Mental health just isn’t fully understood and is clearly barely discovered because people refuse to talk about it out of taboo or fear of ostracism for appearing lunatic. Case in point: the word ‘lunatic’ comes from the Latin word ‘luna’ which means ‘moon,’ because people once believed that the moon’s phasing caused people to go crazy. Talk about who’s truly bonkers here.

But I do need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist or voluntarily get myself committed. I’m mentally unhealthy. I swear by vegetarianism but some health issues cannot be solved by sticking to quinoa.